Bully Trigger is Not a Thing

This story appeared on WRIC.com, the ABC News affiliate for Richmond, Virginia on March 12, 2014 and we felt we had to respond.

Victim blaming happens when the victim of a crime is held responsible for the harm done to them. We see this all the time in our culture when you hear something like, 'They (the victim) asked for it because they wore a short skirt, are gay, are a woman, walked alone at night, didn't lock their door, stood up for their beliefs, etc.'

 This time, bully culture has led a school district to call a young boy's school bag the 'trigger' for his being bullied by other children. The problem with calling the victim's bag a 'bully trigger' is that it tells the victim that he alone is responsible for being bullied. That's called victim blaming and should never be a part of a school's response to bullying.

 Here at Buoy Boys Blog, we are all about boys having the freedom and ability to express their passion. This is the core of our reason for blogging. We support Grayson Bruce and his courage to express himself inspires us. We sincerely hope his school reconsiders the decision to ban his bag and doubles down on their efforts to stop bullying. Please sign here and show your support for the victim, not the bully.

No, Raising Strong Girls Isn’t Enough to Stop Rape, but teaching boys not to rape isn’t the solution either.

By Laura Pauley Rich

As a woman who went to a liberal arts college in the 90's (aka the Riot Grrrl years) and a mother of two small boys, I am surprisingly over the message that raising strong girls will end our rape culture crisis. I have equally had it up to here with the newer version of this message which goes something like, 'teach boys not to rape' as if it’s something generations of parents for thousands of years simply neglected to do and starting now will magically erase rape from the world. It’s a compelling sound bite, isn’t it? Teach boys not to rape. It sounds so simple, so easy; why didn’t we think of it before? Let’s just teach our boys not to rape girls and they will grow up to be men who won’t rape women! But I don’t want to dismiss this idea with sarcasm because in it is yet another carefully hidden message about victim blaming that, in order to dispel, we must bring to light.

Like Jeff Bogle in his post, ‘Why Raising Strong Girls Is Not Enough’ on The Good Men Project, the idea of rape triggers in me a highly emotional response but, unlike him, I am a parent of boys. The implied message that my children are rapists but that this urge can be contained as long as I teach them not to be is both horrifying and offensive. No parent of boys or girls should accept this new strategy as valid in the struggle against rape culture because it is predicated on the same old idea that men are inherently rapists and women are the born victims. Haven’t we already worked decades to fight against the idea that women are natural victims? To accept that women are not by nature victims, you must also accept that men are not slaves to biology. I can’t begin to comprehend the scope of damage ‘teach boys not to rape’ will inflict on generations of boys if this becomes the new anti-rape mantra. Can you imagine the kind of men that will result from boys growing up fearing that their latent rapist is lurking just below the surface, ready to pounce on an unsuspecting stranger, friend, girlfriend or wife? I guarantee the net impact will be the same, if not more, sexual violence. Creating more shame around male sexuality is not the way and simply telling boys not to rape is not the solution.

As a woman and a feminist, I have processed the reality that I or any one of my female family or friends could be a rape victim. As a mother with sons, I think we need to talk more about when boys are victims. All this introspection is not comfortable, any way you try to look at it, but it is necessary. Being a parent has further shaped these scenes of imminent danger that run in the foreboding film series in my head, so I get Jeff Bogle’s fear for his daughters and desperate need to name the solution. We all have some version of these movies in our heads but we need to move on from the terror, powerlessness and shame they leave us with and focus on real solutions that we, as parents, can provide.

We’re just now awakening to the idea that making our girls ‘strong’ does not keep them safe from the reality of rape, and this is progress. We recognize that rape is about the need for power over others, not sex and offering the potential victims a solution based on maintaining their own ‘girl’ power is just plugging into the same damaging cycle of victimization. I’m glad we’re willing to move beyond this one-sided strategy but teaching men not to rape (or boys not to rape), is too simplistic.

The real conversation that no one is having about rape, the one we’re all dancing around with these posts about teaching boys not to rape (and there are a lot of them now) is that the opposite of powerlessness is not power-over-others, it’s connection and power-with-others. Think about it. When do you feel powerless? I can guarantee it’s not when you feel safe, loved and connected to those around you. Now think about how we raise boys and treat men. Do we let them feel safe, loved and connected or do we shut that off after some predetermined age (ten years old? seven? four?) so they ‘toughen’ up and ‘act like men’? Do we honor their feelings or shame them if they show emotions? People who feel connected to others tend to respect others. People who respect others rarely violate that connection. If rape is about the need to control and the need to feel power in a life marked by powerlessness, let’s give men their power back.

I’m of course not advocating a power-over dynamic advocating female submission, but rather power-with interaction where we allow our boys and men, women and girls to feel equally safe, loved and connected. Men can stop rape but not just by not raping, as the vast majority of men are already not raping. Men can also stand up to rape culture, and we can stand together against it, by rejecting the practice of raising boys to disconnect and feel powerless. This isn’t a love-the-rapist-and-he-won’t-hurt-you or turn-the-other-cheek message. This is true cultural change through the practice of connection.

There are no magic words or one easy but secret parenting trick that will eliminate rape. It's about how to raise all our humans to value connection with each other and honor our ability to connect (otherwise known as vulnerability) as a strength, not a weakness. These are the only lessons we need to fix our cultural obsession with shaming and many of the damaging behaviors that result from trying to avoid feeling shame, one of which is rape. Unfortunately, ‘connection’ makes a boring soundbite and takes a lot more work because many of us need to learn how to do it before we can teach it to our kids (boys and girls). If you’re ready to do the work, check out the resources below. But, whatever you do, don’t tell me my sons are rapists. Boys aren't the problem. Rape culture is the problem. We can end rape culture through connection.

Men Can Stop Rape

http://www.mencanstoprape.org/

Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown

http://brenebrown.com/books/

Aha Parenting

http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/emotionally-intelligent-child/happiness

Darkness Monsters!

Darkmiss Monsters (or Darkness, I've heard it both ways) have become a big problem around here recently. They lurk around at night and can cause all kinds of scary fearness. Luckily, my son and I came up with a solution:

~~~Gum-Gum Spray~~~

This purified water spritz (1 oz.), 

powered with a blend of rosewater and essential oils of frankincense & bergamot and other fragrances, will repel Darkness Monsters, Darkness Ghosts, and Darkness Snakes.

Spray it anywhere you need protection. Spray 5 spritzes on everything that is very important to you. When you use this spritz, darkness monster/ghost/snake attacks will have no effect on you and their heads will shrink for over 8 seconds.

It is:

-20% effective on a scout

-20 hundred billion % effective on a leader

-50 thousand 28 hundred % effective on the boss

WARNING: Do NOT spray directly on monsters--it will make them unusually powerful and scary.

Because we are so relieved to find a way to stop the Darkness Monsters, we want to make sure that it is available to all children.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/107932770/monster-spray

To Help, Or Not to Help

I read a news story recently about a teenage boy who was at school and started having trouble breathing. He had an inhaler at school, the prescription label was in his name, he went to the school nurse's office because he couldn't breathe, but the nurse would not administer the medication because there was a consent form that was missing a parent signature. The boy lost consciousness because the nurse chose to follow the rules and not administer medication without the signed consent form. I understand that she was probably afraid of losing her job, afraid of having trouble finding another job after being fired for not following protocol, afraid of prosecution, etc.; the boy was afraid for his life. I have been watching to see what happens and I'm saddened to see that the school is standing behind her decision to follow policy rather than act to help a student. And this is certainly not the first time I have heard of people being afraid to intervene to help someone because of the potential negative consequences.

This story reminded me of one of our favorite picture books, “Library Lion” by Michelle Knudsen.

Miss Merriweather, the head librarian, is very particular about rules in the library. No running allowed. And you must be quiet. But when a lion comes to the library one day, no one is sure what to do. There aren’t any rules about lions in the library. And, as it turns out, this lion seems very well suited to library visiting. His big feet are quiet on the library floor. He makes a comfy backrest for the children at story hour. And he never roars in the library, at least not anymore. But when something terrible happens, the lion quickly comes to the rescue in the only way he knows how.

When Miss Merriweather falls and gets hurt and no one can hear her call for help except the lion, he has to decide quickly what to do. The lion runs (which is against the rules) to get help and tries to indicate to the other librarian what has happened. But the librarian refuses to pay attention to the lion, so the lion does the one thing he knows will get attention—he roars (which is also against the rules) loudly enough that he cannot be ignored. He knows that he is breaking the rules and is willing to accept the consequences, not being allowed back in the library, for the sake of helping someone. Of course the lion was forgiven for breaking the rules under these circumstances and was allowed to continue visiting the library. The moral of the story being that we have rules to help us all but sometimes there is a good reason to break the rules.

It also makes me think, yet again, about our brief but eventful preschool experience. While he was there, my son was really bothered by another boy in his class who would often push and hit other children. I understand that this other boy had some social/emotional/sensory issues and was doing his best to cope with the environment. My son wanted to stop him from hurting people. He would step into the middle of the conflicts and tell this boy to stop, and sometimes use his body to block him. He was reprimanded for this and told that it was “not his job” to intervene, that he “is not the boss”, and that the proper action is to alert a teacher. It makes sense to tell a teacher when something like this happens, but in the meantime someone could be injured. And once the teachers have been alerted (repeatedly) that this keeps happening, there was no further course of action laid out for the students. What are students supposed to do when it keeps happening and the teachers are not taking measures to prevent it, are not stepping in immediately to stop it, and are saying that his attempts to help others are a behavior problem?

On the Penn State campus, just telling the right person wasn't enough to stop atrocities—when the proper authorities don't do what they should, there needs to be further action taken. I don't mean vigilante action. I mean continuing to speak up and speak out and seek out assistance from higher or different authorities. Roar like a Library Lion! I don't want my son to learn that it is “not his job” to help people. He respectfully and non-violently stood up for people who needed help—it's everyone's job to do this. We are teaching children so early on (starting in preschool at least) not to help people when they have the opportunity. When people are taught their whole lives to just stand by and hope the person in charge will do the right thing, it is not surprising really that a school nurse could just not help a student having an asthma attack because of policy, or that people could report a heinous crime on a college campus and then do nothing further to stop it, or that there is rampant bullying in schools.

Barbara Coloroso wrote a great book called “The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander”. She relates bullying that happens among children to much larger scale atrocities like genocides and explains how bullying (and genocide) cannot happen without the complicity of the bystanders: there are no innocent bystanders. Her Bully Handout illustrates the roles of various participants in bullying, and is followed by some good tips for parents. Her Three Characters Handout explains the roles more in depth and highlights the one role that can stop the cycle of violence: the Defender/Resister/Witness. If just one person or small group of people, speaks out against the bully, protects and defends the bullied, and speaks up for the targets of the bully, others will follow the lead and begin to resist as well. (The Girl Scouts use an anti-bullying training called Power Up that focuses on teaching bystanders what they can do, and they have a great slogan: Doing nothing? Not an option.) Coloroso cites evidence that this effect has been demonstrated within genocidal regimes. It has also been demonstrated in the Asch Conformity Studies and the Milgram Obedience Studies that people often go along with a group or an authority figure, even when they know it is wrong, until someone else speaks up; but once someone else speaks up, others are more likely to do so as well. There is no inherent difference between the people who speak up and those who don't. It is just a matter of which choice each person makes in the moment, to help or not to help. But we can prepare ourselves for these moments so that we can make better choices when the time comes. 

My son and I spend a lot of time playing heroes and villains. In our fantasy lives, we have fought all kinds of people doing harm to others and we have saved the world, a lot. Fortunately, in real life we almost certainly will never be in a position to actually save the world in the epic fashion of our dramatic play, or from a genocidal regime. But our play is good practice for standing up to people who are hurting others and helping people who are being bullied or oppressed. It gives us a chance to tap into that part of ourselves that is (or at least wants to be) an epic hero and to get comfortable in that role, making the choices a hero would make and taking the actions a hero would take. And I like to think that the smaller acts in our real lives, like stepping in and saying, “Hey, don't push him!” again and again, even when the people in charge tell you not to do it, are the kind of things that create a positive difference in the communities that make up our world.

Why We Play With Weapons

We spend a lot of our time around here playing heroes and villains. It seems like from the moment my son wakes up to the moment he falls asleep (and probably continuing into his dreams), he is fighting a battle between good and evil. Usually he is good. Sometimes he plays evil. Whichever side he chooses, he fights fiercely and imaginatively for his goal.

I know a lot of people these days are really uncomfortable with play weapons and play violence. It is certainly understandable if you turn on the news for 2 minutes and see how many young people are committing violent crimes. Our children can see so much violence—real violence in the news and in documentaries, graphic imaginary violence in TV, movies, books, and games—and it can be disturbing to see them act out the things that they see. We can limit how much of this our children see, but it seeps into their from all kinds of unexpected places. It is easy for the line to blur between play violence that serves the purpose of processing challenging new ideas and emotions, and violent play that is practice for enacting real violence and can really hurt other children. The PBS series on Understanding and Raising Boys does a pretty good job of explaining the difference.

I've noticed some things that tend to happen when gun/weapon/fighting play is forbidden. For example, when my son was in preschool, all weapon and fighting play was off limits. But because it's not off limits in our home, he felt free to share with me the games he was learning at preschool. Pointing hands and fingers like guns was not allowed, so the kids came up with other ways to symbolize a gun, like crossing their fingers and holding a hand up. I think with toy weapons, and so many other things in life, a simple formula applies:

natural interest + forbidden mystery = obsession

On the days that I was the classroom helper at preschool, I saw the play that was happening. And it was quickly evident that the kind of secretive play they were engaging in while no one was looking happens very differently from the play that goes on at our house. By allowing play fighting, and getting involved in it, there are a lot of social skills that my son has learned that can transfer to other interactions throughout his life.

Things like:

• gaining consent to play fight before you start slicing and shooting other people
• reaching some agreement about the ground rules (i.e. no pointing/squirting guns at faces, swords only hit swords not bodies)
• making sure that the play isn't interfering with the peace and/or play of others around you
• learning to set limits with other people
• learning to hear and respect other people's limits
• continually adjusting the play and rules as needed
• deciding to fight against each other or together, and renegotiating as circumstances change

There is a lot of negotiation, self-regulation, advocacy and self-advocacy, reading of social cues, self-expression, listening... really rich social interaction that can happen when you get involved and offer a little guidance with weapon play and play fighting.

Getting involved in the play has also given me a chance to take some advice from Lawrence Cohen's Playful Parenting, to influence and rewrite common scripts so that they fit with my values. Whenever we are rescuing  a princess, we free her and help her find her weapon, then she helps us rescue the prince and fight the bad guys. When we are at war, we offer opportunities to negotiate a truce or to work together toward a goal. Sometimes we are successful at making peace and sometimes we are not, but either way it's good practice. When we are battling dragons or other creatures, we usually discover that they are attacking because they are protecting their young or their food sources and we are usually able to end those conflicts peacefully. Dealing with conflicts like these is a huge part of life so it makes sense that it would be a huge part of play too.

Plus, I really liked playing these kind of cops and robbers, heroes and villains, superheroes and supervillains, kind of games when I was young, and I still do enjoy some good swashbuckling. Neither I, nor any of the neighborhood kids I played with, have grown up to become violent people. And I'd like to think we are actually good people who stand up for what we believe in, help people when we can, and try to do what is right when we are faced with difficult situations and decisions. And all that practice playing good guys and bad guys—I think it helped.

The Gardener!
A Modern Day [Imaginary] Hero [Mom]

Since we are always playing heroes and villains around here—all day every day—and sometimes I want to slip some other stuff into the mix—like gardening—so that I can get something done and still have fun, I came up with a new hero persona this week: The Gardener! I had been avoiding fighting by claiming to be just a peaceful gardener who needed protection from these alien bandits who were destroying our gardens that provide food for our village and the whole world. But the hero was fighting so continuously that he was getting exhausted; he couldn't keep fighting on his own to protect the whole village and he was requesting my help. “You cannot just stand by and hope for protection!” he told me. “I cannot do this alone. You must fight or your village will be destroyed!” And so I became The Gardener! My weapon is a garden shovel powerful enough to shield blasts from the evil bandits and to knock them out with one blow. It's rumored that it is even more powerful than money! (More powerful than money? Where on Earth did that come from?)

First I tried to negotiate a peace with these bandits, but they were not interested in peace or reason. They had one goal only—to destroy. We decided to track down the leader of these alien bandits, because no matter how many we fought off, more ships full of alien bandits would come to attack leaving weed mines all over the place. We tracked them back to a secret laboratory where they were doing terrifying experiments with our own garden plants. They were manipulating the plants so that they still looked, and kind of tasted, like food but were actually poisoned. They were destroying whole villages at a time by selling people poisoned plants and taking their money and then watching them eat the poison. We had to stop them before they poisoned all of our plants this way and there was no food left on our planet. We searched and searched until we found the evil genius mad scientist behind it all. He was hard to find because he often disguised himself as an innocent farmer. But we searched and searched until we found him. He was big and huge from eating all of the food from all of the gardens, and he just wanted more more more for himself. His eyes glowed red with evil. And his name was Insanto.

It was a long and difficult battle; there were many casualties and we destroyed as much of the lab as we could. But we knew it was not enough to keep the evil Insanto and his evil bandits from their evil mission to poison all of the plants in the world. So we made our own diabolical device and snuck it into the laboratory. The device put a label on all of the plants that came out of their laboratory so that everyone would know that those plants were poisoned and no one would buy them. Without people buying their plants, they would not have the money to continue their experiments and the evil Insanto would be defeated once and for all!!!!

…

So I got pretty swept up in this play (apparently my inner 5-year-old is still thriving) and didn't get a whole lot of gardening done, but we had a lot of fun and I think we accomplished a lot more than pulling weeds. I love all of this good guy/bad guy play for so many reasons. I love that my son gets to practice being aperson who protects the innocent. I love that he influenced me to stand up and fight when the time came, because you can't always rely on others to fight your battles, and that he was willing to continue fighting right there with me. I love that I get to interject my values into the play, like trying to negotiate peace before I am willing to fight and casting an unethical company as a villain. I love that it is active physical play. I love that it is imaginative and we collaboratively created this storyline together, building off of each others' ideas. I love the hope and optimism and sense of efficacy to fight the forces of evil—evil at this age being clear-cut bad guys who only hurt people and do no good. I love that this kind of play and these kind of stories leave the door open to explore the complexities of right and wrong and where they obscure and overlap and are sometimes difficult to distinguish. I love that it brings up fond childhood memories of playing much the same way. And mostly I love that we are having fun together.

Hey advertisers, boys are not buffoons!

Since I don't really watch television, I heard about the new Dr. Pepper 10 ad through social media. I am bothered by it nonetheless, and it exemplifies one of the main reasons that we don't watch television in our house. (And I should clarify that we watch plenty of series and movies on DVD or through online streaming subscriptions that are ad free. I have nothing against video as a form of media or entertainment. It is the advertisements that I take issue with.)

This new ad has managed to annoy and offend women by playing on tired old stereotypes that we thought we had for the most part left behind us. According to reports, Jim Trebilcock, executive vice president of marketing for Dr Pepper, thinks that women won't be offended because we “get the joke”. While it is does appear that the ad is hyperbolic with the possible intention of being ironically humorous, some women are offended enough to start a petition to stop the ad. I think it is safe to say that we get the joke, but not all of us think it's funny.

It can also be argued that the ad is equally offensive to men. The ultra-macho portrayal of men who fear appearing in any way un-masculine, and who overcompensate to the point of suppressing all emotions and indulging only in violence and destruction, is a condescending attempt to manipulate men's consumption by instilling insecurities. They even issued “10 Man'Ments” that are supposed to advise men on how to be more appropriately macho. This particular ad has gotten a lot of attention for being so over-the-top, but the stereotypes it is reflecting are not new to advertising. Frances Woolley of Worthwhile Canadian Initiative has written an excellent article on the topic of how men, and their relationships to women, are portrayed in ads. She says that, “[these ads] are part of a larger social trend towards seeing men and women as fundamentally, irreconcilably different.” This is a trend that is insulting and detrimental to women and men.

And it is not just women who are noticing these ads and their negative masculine images. Men are offended too. AskMen.com put together a list of Worst Male-Bashing Ads with examples that depict men as incompetent, unsophisticated, subservient, detached, immature, disposable creatures with primitive drives and mental processes. And the AskMen article points out that our children are noticing these messages too: 

“You’ve seen him plenty of times on sitcoms; he’s the dumb, bumbling, idiot dad, husband and boyfriend who appears useless at everything but bringing home a paycheck. The message: Guys are dumb and women have to lead them around. This, of course, cues the laugh track. Yet a survey from an organization called Children Now found that two-thirds of kid respondents described men on TV as angry, while respondents from another group’s survey said men were portrayed as corrupt on TV by a 17 to 1 margin. Clearly, this is no laughing matter.” 

These stereotypes seem archaic and outdated but they are still prevalent in advertising and media today. The group Media Awareness Network has categorized some of the Common Stereotypes of Men in Media: the joker, the jock, the strong silent type, the big shot, the action hero, the buffoon. These stereotypes all send a message that there are limited rigid roles that boys and men can fit into and that anything different is somehow less than manly.

So, what messages would we like to see in the media about masculinity? What would we like our children to be seeing about how men and women relate to each other?

Here is what I would like to see replace the common male stereotypes:

The Joker?

You can joke with us. We love your sense of humor as much as we love your serious side. And we love that you have the emotional intelligence and sensitivity to know when, where, and how to joke appropriately.

The Jock?

You can be an athlete. We love that you have found something that you are passionate about and talented at. We admire your kinesthetic intelligence, your hard work, and that you know how to handle the victory and defeat of competitions with grace.

The Strong Silent Type?

You can be a leader. We love your willingness to take responsibility and make difficult decisions. And we are here to support you and talk through these decisions, because we know how emotionally straining they can be. We also love that we can work in partnership, and alternate taking the lead.

The Big Shot?

You can have a successful career, and you can define that as whatever brings you a sense of fulfillment. Sometimes career will be your first priority, sometimes it will be lower on the list. We can work together to help each other balance our careers with all of the other important aspects of our lives.

The Action Hero?

You can be a hero in many different ways. Every time you speak up for what is right, act on a sense that something is unjust, help someone in need, do something kind just to do it, set an example of being true to who you are, and countless other ways, you are acting heroically strong and courageous.

The Buffoon?

You can make mistakes. You can need help with things. You can count on us. These things do not mean that you are not a smart, independent, reliable, caring, competent person. We will not mock you for being human and relying on other humans for assistance at times. We will rely on you too, and appreciate you for all that you are.

What kind of roles would you like to see boys and men fill in media? Are there any ads, shows, movies, or other media you enjoy that send positive messages about gender roles and relations? Or is there media that makes you feel good about who you are and the roles you live?

Friday Shout

I wanted to give a Friday Shout out to Hyacinth at Undercover Mother. A blog post she wrote on Monday here popped on my Google Alerts (keywords: raising boys) and I'm so glad it did.

Her post about raising boys all wrong strikes a chord in me right now. My boys are almost three and definitely overrun me on a daily basis. Since their sleep is not consistent or even present at times, I'm constantly tired and have a hard time maintaining a respect for their growing needs. I often find myself yelling at them and it's crushing to see their faces fall, yet I can't stop. I can't meet my own needs for sleep or even a shower so I feel I am failing at meeting theirs. Top it off by my challenges in finding and connecting with other moms (IRL) who strive to support and respect their children and I just end up feeling alone and frustrated. I should say I have a great community of supportive moms online but we all know it's nice to see a friendly face now and again.

So what I'm getting at is that, at a time when I'm feeling the least receptive to influence, Hyacinth's post serves as an important reminder to me to honor my boys' innate boyness and the crazy, needy, loud, quiet, jumping love they can't wait to smother all over me. They need me in ways I learn anew every day and if I am to be really present and meet those needs, I should first just listen. Not try to change their clothes or do the dishes or pack the car, just listen. They'll tell me in one of a dozen different ways what they need and if I'm really listening, I'll hear it louder every day and realize how easy it can be to be give them what they need to be the best boys - and men - they can be.

Another note about Hyacinth that I think is important to mention; her relationship with God that infuses her writing with such a brilliant perspective on raising children. This isn't the traditional strict, children-should-be-seen-and-not-heard perspective. It's refreshing and personal and new, at least to me. Check it out. I'll keep reading her blogs for inspiration and as a reminder that even if I'm feeling alone as a SAHM, I'm not really by myself.

Bedtime Battles...

...sword battles that is.

It was evident from very early on that this little boy was not going to be lulled and sung to sleep, the way that I had imagined all children could be. Instead he likes to laugh himself to sleep; usually while running, rolling, dancing, jumping, and bouncing (sometimes literally) off the walls.

And I have come to love this about bedtime with my boy.

When I decided to become a parent, one of the things that I really wanted to establish was a pleasant bedtime routine. I didn't want to have the fight every night that so many parents talk about, where they feel like their children are intentionally trying to derail their evenings just to be difficult and the children can't feel any better about their parents' intentions. So I read all kinds of books and articles about kids and sleep and bedtime rituals and routines. I thought I had all of the best ideas about how to create a peaceful, loving, calm bedtime routine.

Then my baby was born.

The Future of Feminism?, Part 2

Gloria Steinem brought up a great point about how we haven't seen the same expansion in men's roles as we have in women's roles since the start of the feminist movement, and the importance of humanizing both masculine and feminine roles. We discussed this as it applies to raising our boys in a more humanized way than 'raising men' to fulfill a limited and limiting role.

In a recent article, Youth Rights Is a Feminist Issue posted on the National Youth Rights Association (NYRA) website, Kathleen Nicole O'Neal makes a call for a much needed feminist focus on youth. She discusses many examples of issues related to youth rights, and particularly the rights of young women, that would further the goal of feminism. While I disagree with her view that the male perspective continues to be the default when youth issues are discussed, I do agree that we cannot ignore the gender-specific issues that affect young people. And I wholeheartedly agree with these words:

THAT Parent

This CNN article, What teachers really want to tell parents, 

is a wonderful example of why I will always be THAT parent. You know the type, the one who:

“If we give you advice, don't fight it. “

• always fights advice from people who think they know the child I love and live with better than I do , especially when that advice does not ring true to my experience, observation, or way of living.

“Take it, and digest it in the same way you would consider advice from a doctor or lawyer. “

• doesn't just automatically trust professionals to know what is best for my family.

“I have become used to some parents who just don't want to hear anything negative about their child ...”

• gives her child the benefit of the doubt no matter how bad the situation looks.

The Future of Feminism?

There is an excellent interview with Gloria Steinhem on the future of Feminism in yesterday's Huff Post. Whatever you think about GS or feminism (I think both are rad), she makes an excellent point that the future of feminism depends on the humanization of the traditional masculine and feminine roles. She goes on to say that it is these

'gender roles that are the beginning of a false human hierarchy and normalize race, class and other systems of domination to come -- even "Man's" dominion over nature. The deepest change begins with men raising children as much as women do and women being equal actors in the world outside the home. There are many ways of supporting that, from something as simple as paid sick leave and flexible work hours to attributing an economic value to all care-giving, and making that amount tax deductible. Until the masculine role is humanized, women will tend to be much better at solving dangerous conflicts. That's already happened in Ireland and Liberia, and is beginning in North and South Korea.'

We've talked about ways we can raise our boys to help them be the best possible version of themselves as human beings that are male, rather than 'raising men'. Indoctrinating young children with failed ideals will only produce more of the same failures in our culture and in our world. Raising human beings is a much more complex and delicate operation that requires our full attention and all of our relationship skills. Learning and knowing our children, both male and female, and giving them the gift of our love and attention, is a good start. Shedding many of the failed 'parenting' techniques like hitting and isolating, are great next steps. Developing and maintaining a connection with our kids and meeting their needs are ways we can keep the momentum going towards buoying our boys, girls - and humanity - to meet the challenges ahead.

Playing With Dolls

I have never enjoyed playing with dolls—not barbies with my best friend, not babies with the girl down the street, not army guys with my brother, and now I am having a really hard time playing robots with my son. They are all just dolls to me, and they are all completely boring.

 I would agree about all of the benefits I have heard can be gained from playing with dolls. It is a great opportunity to develop language skills, practice dialogue, enact various roles that you cannot fill in your real life, socialize with others in roles they normally don't fill, be imaginative and creative, practice real life skills, process difficult situations and experiences, exert complete control over a setting and the characters in it, and just have fun. But personally, I would rather act things out with my own body than with a figure. Nevertheless, I love imaginative play and my son is really into playing robots right now. There are good guys & gals and bad guys & gals and epic sagas of the ongoing struggle between the forces of good and evil. This is great stuff... in theory. In practice though, it still feels like a chore.

But today the value of this type of play really sunk in for me. While rehashing a part of the LEGO: Hero Factory movie, a really empowering statement was reinforced. There is a point in the movie when the Hero Team is getting discouraged and the team leader says to them “Always remember who you really are.” And they eagerly reply, “Heroes to the core!”. After repeating this exchange several times, I made my robot say the leader's words to my son. His reply, to my delight, was “ME to the core!”. Now that is a scenario I don't mind repeating ad nauseum. If playing with dolls can help reinforce the importance of staying true to yourself, especially in the midst of difficult times, I can enjoy that.

Another Pink vs. Blue Debate: Does It Really Matter Anymore?

This recent ABCNEWS article on gender roles and the impact of color choices for young boys has us yet again focus on the tired debate of whether boys can wear pink. In fact, they do wear light pink, preppy pink and faded berry. They wear a lot of pink in the spring and summer, in fact. Does this challenge their manliness or is it just a fashion choice? What about the boy in the article shown wearing light pink toe nail polish and pink plastic toy heels? Still ok?

Ponder Diane Keaton in Annie Hall in her gender-bending ensembles and what they say about women. Do men who dress in feminine colors say the same about themselves or is there a different message? Are we afraid it's this message?

What are your thoughts about boys wearing pink when it's not in the form of a polo shirt?

What Do You Love About Boys?

No, it's not a title to an 80's pop hit. It's a serious question! What do you love about the boys in your life? It could be the grown men or the tiny babies, but we want to hear what makes your heart pitter-patter when  you see your guy(s). It's important to celebrate what we like about the men in our lives as well, because it can be these qualities that we strive to instill in our little ones.

I have twin two-year-old boys and they're just starting to talk. I love hearing their voices express their opinions, likes and dislikes, wants and needs. I love hearing them get excited about seeing a lizard on the window (we live in Texas), an ant on the ground or the truck on the road. I love their great big smiles and even their crocodile tears. I love how they hug their stuffed bunnies and how much they love their Grandpa. I love watching them play and I love to play with them. I'm just in love with them right now, even on days like today when they skipped their nap and performed Armageddon, The Musical, at dinner.

I must confess here that I think I was a little secretly disappointed when I learned I was having boys. I grew up being fed the 'girls rock' diet and just knew I would be the best girl mom ever. I would support and encourage her, empower and respect her; all the things she would need to succeed in this world. Then, when these guys were born, it all changed. I would now do every one of these things for my boys but honestly - have you ever tried googling, 'empower boys'? All you get is page after page of links for empowering underprivileged boys. What about all boys? Do they need to start with a deficit before we recognize their worth? Isn't it time we give them a place, right next to girls? I digress.

What do you love about boys? Do tell!

The Purpose Of This Blog

Buoy

1. To keep afloat or aloft.
2. To maintain at a high level; support.
3. To hearten or inspire; uplift.

Why this blog?

This is a place for us to explore, discover, discuss, and create the resources, ideas, and practices that boys need to thrive, so that we may better support them in being resilient, healthy, empowered boys who grow into compassionate, well-adjusted, and confident men.

Don't boys already have 'male privilege'?

There is an abundance of programs, products, resources, media, clubs, etc. sending the message that girls can do anything they set their minds to, girls are powerful, girls are empowered, girls are divine, girls are competent, successful, creative, beautiful, and valuable. The success of any of these efforts is certainly open for debate. However, they are there for girls and not for boys. We have been operating with the assumption that boys are already receiving this message because of the legacy of traditional gender roles in our society. But are they still getting this message? If all they are getting is the power and value of girls, what does that teach them about themselves? What messages would we like for them to be getting?

What do boys need?
What we don't want to do is go backwards. Maybe it was simpler when roles were more clearly defined and were never questioned. But that left a lot of marginalized and unhappy people who were unable to conform. Instead, we want to forge a new way forward building on the progress that we have made, learning from oversights and failures, and finding our way to an embracing, accepting, inclusive future.