tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44146749788553313652024-03-05T20:36:37.177-08:00Buoy Boys BlogLaura Pauley Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16137819003130004465noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4414674978855331365.post-35813576608467811652014-03-14T06:44:00.002-07:002014-03-14T07:27:55.235-07:00Bully Trigger is Not a ThingThis <a href="http://www.wric.com/story/24951935/school-wont-let-bullied-boy-bring-my-little-pony-bag-to-class" target="_blank">story</a> appeared on WRIC.com, the ABC News affiliate for Richmond, Virginia on March 12, 2014 and we felt we had to respond.<br />
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<a href="http://www.wric.com/story/24951935/school-wont-let-bullied-boy-bring-my-little-pony-bag-to-class"></a>
Victim blaming happens when the victim of a crime is held responsible for the harm done to them. We see this all the time in our culture when you hear something like, 'They (the victim) asked for it because they wore a short skirt, are gay, are a woman, walked alone at night, didn't lock their door, stood up for their beliefs, etc.'<br />
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This time, bully culture has led a school district to call a young boy's school bag the 'trigger' for his being bullied by other children. The problem with calling the victim's bag a 'bully trigger' is that it tells the victim that he alone is responsible for being bullied. That's called victim blaming and should never be a part of a school's response to bullying.<br />
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Here at Buoy Boys Blog, we are all about boys having the freedom and ability to express their passion. This is the core of our reason for blogging. We support Grayson Bruce and his courage to express himself inspires us. We sincerely hope his school reconsiders the decision to ban his bag and doubles down on their efforts to stop bullying. Please <a href="http://www.change.org/petitions/tony-baldwin-allow-grayson-to-bring-his-backpack-to-school-and-crack-down-on-the-bullying" target="_blank">sign here</a> and show your support for the victim, not the bully.<br />
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<br />Laura Pauley Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16137819003130004465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4414674978855331365.post-21190846893515272762014-03-08T14:03:00.000-08:002014-03-08T16:11:37.158-08:00No, Raising Strong Girls Isn’t Enough to Stop Rape, but teaching boys not to rape isn’t the solution either.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">By Laura Pauley Rich</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As a woman who went to a liberal arts college in the 90's (aka the Riot Grrrl years) and a mother of two small boys, I am surprisingly over the message that raising strong girls will end our rape culture crisis. I have equally had it up to here with the newer version of this message which goes something like, 'teach boys not to rape' as if it’s something generations of parents for thousands of years simply neglected to do and starting now will magically erase rape from the world. It’s a compelling sound bite, isn’t it? </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Teach boys not to rape.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> It sounds so simple, so easy; why didn’t we think of it before? Let’s just teach our boys not to rape girls and they will grow up to be men who won’t rape women! But I don’t want to dismiss this idea with sarcasm because in it is yet another carefully hidden message about victim blaming that, in order to dispel, we must bring to light.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Like Jeff Bogle in his post, ‘</span><a href="http://goodmenproject.com/families/tmb-raising-strong-girls-enough/" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #1155cc; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Why Raising Strong Girls Is Not Enough</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">’ on The Good Men Project, the idea of rape triggers in me a highly emotional response but, unlike him, I am a parent of boys. The implied message that my children are rapists but that this urge can be contained as long as I </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">teach them not to be</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> is both horrifying and offensive. No parent of boys or girls should accept this new strategy as valid in the struggle against rape culture because it is predicated on the same old idea that men are inherently rapists and women are the born victims. Haven’t we already worked decades to fight against the idea that women are natural victims? To accept that women are not by nature victims, you must also accept that men are not slaves to biology. I can’t begin to comprehend the scope of damage ‘teach boys not to rape’ will inflict on generations of boys if this becomes the new anti-rape mantra. Can you imagine the kind of men that will result from boys growing up fearing that their latent rapist is lurking just below the surface, ready to pounce on an unsuspecting stranger, friend, girlfriend or wife? I guarantee the net impact will be the same, if not more, sexual violence. Creating more shame around male sexuality is not the way and simply telling boys not to rape is not the solution.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As a woman and a feminist, I have processed the reality that I or any one of my female family or friends could be a rape victim. As a mother with sons, I think we need to talk more about when boys are victims. All this introspection is not comfortable, any way you try to look at it, but it is necessary. Being a parent has further shaped these scenes of imminent danger that run in the foreboding film series in my head, so I get Jeff Bogle’s fear for his daughters and desperate need to name the solution. We all have some version of these movies in our heads but we need to move on from the terror, powerlessness and shame they leave us with and focus on real solutions that we, as parents, can provide.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We’re just now awakening to the idea that making our girls ‘strong’ does not keep them safe from the reality of rape, and this is progress. We recognize that rape is about the need for power over others, not sex and offering the potential victims a solution based on maintaining their own ‘girl’ power is just plugging into the same damaging cycle of victimization. I’m glad we’re willing to move beyond this one-sided strategy but teaching men not to rape (or boys not to rape), is too simplistic. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The real conversation that no one is having about rape, the one we’re all dancing around with these posts about teaching boys not to rape (and there are a lot of them now) is that the opposite of powerlessness is not power-over-others, it’s connection and power-with-others. Think about it. When do you feel powerless? I can guarantee it’s not when you feel safe, loved and connected to those around you. Now think about how we raise boys and treat men. Do we let them feel safe, loved and connected or do we shut that off after some predetermined age (ten years old? seven? four?) so they ‘toughen’ up and ‘act like men’? Do we honor their feelings or shame them if they show emotions? People who feel connected to others tend to respect others. People who respect others rarely violate that connection. If rape is about the need to control and the need to feel power in a life marked by powerlessness, let’s give men their power back. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m of course not advocating a power-over dynamic advocating female submission, but rather power-with interaction where we allow our boys and men, women and girls to feel equally safe, loved and connected. Men can stop rape but not just by not raping, as the vast majority of men are already not raping. Men can also stand up to rape culture, and we can stand together against it, by rejecting the practice of raising boys to disconnect and feel powerless. This isn’t a love-the-rapist-and-he-won’t-hurt-you or turn-the-other-cheek message. This is true cultural change through the practice of connection. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There are no magic words or one easy but secret parenting trick that will eliminate rape. It's about how to raise all our humans to value connection with each other and honor our ability to connect (otherwise known as vulnerability) as a strength, not a weakness. These are the only lessons we need to fix our cultural obsession with shaming and many of the damaging behaviors that result from trying to avoid feeling shame, one of which is rape. Unfortunately, ‘connection’ makes a boring soundbite and takes a lot more work because many of us need to learn how to do it before we can teach it to our kids (boys </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> girls). If you’re ready to do the work, check out the resources below. But, whatever you do, don’t tell me my sons are rapists. Boys aren't the problem. Rape culture is the problem. We can end rape culture through connection.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.5; text-align: center; text-indent: 36pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Men Can Stop Rape</span></div>
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<a href="http://www.mencanstoprape.org/" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #1155cc; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">http://www.mencanstoprape.org/</span></a><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1155cc; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><a href="http://brenebrown.com/books/" style="text-decoration: none;">http://brenebrown.com/books/</a></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-930e5554-a3b7-b234-44bf-be2b3c0e756c"><a href="http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/emotionally-intelligent-child/happiness" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #1155cc; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/emotionally-intelligent-child/happiness</span></a></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE6I0ApkqHp6O6MPPVOUpY9RaHDLla9xdg1ed1alg34_2tVkOOKYDrJXMumQMunbKUDvmr0qGrGXIOdLrJa8QiH8ft7KH_eAtL3mhdOy7AgCBZ0uJQuWajiAsnVY_NSjRcsFVwxF7bRuXT/s1600/father-241423_150.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE6I0ApkqHp6O6MPPVOUpY9RaHDLla9xdg1ed1alg34_2tVkOOKYDrJXMumQMunbKUDvmr0qGrGXIOdLrJa8QiH8ft7KH_eAtL3mhdOy7AgCBZ0uJQuWajiAsnVY_NSjRcsFVwxF7bRuXT/s1600/father-241423_150.jpg" /></a></div>
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Laura Pauley Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16137819003130004465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4414674978855331365.post-66700519605015733022012-08-27T18:03:00.001-07:002014-03-08T07:58:49.364-08:00Darkness Monsters!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 17.999998092651367px; text-align: left;">Darkmiss Monsters (or Darkness, I've heard it both ways) have become a big problem around here recently. They lurk around at night and can cause all kinds of scary fearness. Luckily, my son and I came up with a solution:</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 17.999998092651367px;">This purified water spritz (1 oz.), </span><br />
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powered with a blend of rosewater and essential oils of frankincense & bergamot and other fragrances, will repel Darkness Monsters, Darkness Ghosts, and Darkness Snakes.</div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 17.999998092651367px;"></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 17.999998092651367px;"><span style="font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 17.999998092651367px;">Spray it anywhere you need protection. Spray 5 spritzes on everything that is very important to you. When you use this spritz, darkness monster/ghost/snake attacks will have no effect on you and their heads will shrink for over 8 seconds.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 17.999998092651367px;"><span style="font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 17.999998092651367px;">It is:</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 17.999998092651367px;"><span style="font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 17.999998092651367px;">-20% effective on a scout</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 17.999998092651367px;">-20 hundred billion % effective on a leader</span></div>
</span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 17.999998092651367px;"><div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 17.999998092651367px;">-50 thousand 28 hundred % effective on the boss</span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 17.999998092651367px;"><span style="font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 17.999998092651367px;">WARNING: Do NOT spray directly on monsters--it will make them unusually powerful and scary.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 17.999998092651367px;"><span style="font-size: 12.727272033691406px; line-height: 17.999998092651367px;">Because we are so relieved to find a way to stop the Darkness Monsters, we want to make sure that it is available to all children.</span></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4414674978855331365.post-43133956604826043272012-06-16T07:17:00.000-07:002012-06-16T07:44:39.403-07:00To Help, Or Not to Help<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I read a <a href="http://www.clickorlando.com/news/Nurse-refuses-student-inhaler-during-asthma-attack/-/1637132/13560430/-/wm13uaz/-/index.html?hpt=ju_bn4">news
story</a> recently about a teenage boy who was at school and started
having trouble breathing. He had an inhaler at school, the
prescription label was in his name, he went to the school nurse's
office because he couldn't breathe, but the nurse would not
administer the medication because there was a consent form that was
missing a parent signature. The boy lost consciousness because the
nurse chose to follow the rules and not administer medication without
the signed consent form. I understand that she was probably afraid of
losing her job, afraid of having trouble finding another job after
being fired for not following protocol, afraid of prosecution, etc.; the boy was afraid for his life. I
have been watching to see what happens and I'm saddened to see that
the school is standing behind her decision to follow policy rather
than act to help a student. And this is certainly not the first time
I have heard of people being afraid to intervene to help someone
because of the potential negative consequences.<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
This story reminded me of one of our
favorite picture books, “<a href="http://www.michelleknudsen.com/library_lion_77788.htm">Library
Lion</a>” by Michelle Knudsen.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 0.5in; margin-right: 0.5in;">
<i>Miss Merriweather, the head librarian, is very particular about
rules in the library. No running allowed. And you must be quiet. But
when a lion comes to the library one day, no one is sure what to do.
There aren’t any rules about lions in the library. And, as it turns
out, this lion seems very well suited to library visiting. His big
feet are quiet on the library floor. He makes a comfy backrest for
the children at story hour. And he never roars in the library, at
least not anymore. But when something terrible happens, the lion
quickly comes to the rescue in the only way he knows how.</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
When Miss Merriweather falls and gets
hurt and no one can hear her call for help except the lion, he has to
decide quickly what to do. The lion runs (which is against the rules)
to get help and tries to indicate to the other librarian what has
happened. But the librarian refuses to pay attention to the lion, so
the lion does the one thing he knows will get attention—he roars
(which is also against the rules) loudly enough that he cannot be
ignored. He knows that he is breaking the rules and is willing to
accept the consequences, not being allowed back in the library, for
the sake of helping someone. Of course the lion was forgiven for
breaking the rules under these circumstances and was allowed to continue visiting the library.
The moral of the story being that we have rules to help us all but
<i><b>sometimes there is a good reason to break the rules</b></i>.<br />
<br />
It
also makes me think, yet again, about our brief but eventful
preschool experience. While he was there, my son was really bothered
by another boy in his class who would often push and hit other
children. I understand that this other boy had some
social/emotional/sensory issues and was doing his best to cope with
the environment. My son wanted to stop him from hurting people. He
would step into the middle of the conflicts and tell this boy to
stop, and sometimes use his body to block him. He was reprimanded for
this and told that it was “not his job” to intervene, that he “is
not the boss”, and that the proper action is to alert a teacher. It
makes sense to tell a teacher when something like this happens, but
in the meantime someone could be injured. And once the teachers have
been alerted (repeatedly) that this keeps happening, there was no further course
of action laid out for the students. What are students supposed to do
when it keeps happening and the teachers are not taking measures to
prevent it, are not stepping in immediately to stop it, and are
saying that his attempts to help others are a behavior problem?<br />
<br />
On the Penn State campus, just telling the right person wasn't
enough to stop atrocities—when the proper authorities don't do what
they should, there needs to be further action taken. I don't mean
vigilante action. I mean continuing to speak up and speak out and
seek out assistance from higher or different authorities. <b>Roar like a
Library Lion!</b> I don't want my son to learn that it is “not his
job” to help people. He respectfully and non-violently stood up for
people who needed help—it's everyone's job to do this. We are teaching children so early on
(starting in preschool at least) not to help people when they have
the opportunity. When people are taught their whole lives to just
stand by and hope the person in charge will do the right thing, it
is not surprising really that a school nurse could just not help a
student having an asthma attack because of policy, or that people could report a heinous
crime on a college campus and then do nothing further to stop it, or
that there is rampant bullying in schools.<br />
<br />
Barbara Coloroso wrote a
great book called “The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander”.
She relates bullying that happens among children to much larger scale
atrocities like genocides and explains how bullying (and genocide)
cannot happen without the complicity of the bystanders: there are no
<i>innocent</i> bystanders. Her <a href="http://www.kidsareworthit.com/uploads/BullyHandout.pdf">Bully
Handout</a> illustrates the roles of various participants in
bullying, and is followed by some good tips for parents. Her <a href="http://www.kidsareworthit.com/uploads/Three_CharactersP.pdf">Three
Characters</a> Handout explains the roles more in depth and
highlights the one role that can stop the cycle of violence: the Defender/Resister/Witness. If just one
person or small group of people, speaks out against the bully,
protects and defends the bullied, and speaks up for the targets of
the bully, others will follow the lead and begin to resist as well. (The Girl Scouts use an anti-bullying training called <a href="http://www.maskmatters.org/pdf/BullyingTips.pdf">Power Up</a> that focuses on teaching bystanders what they can do, and they have a great slogan: <a href="http://www.gsutah.org/programs-events/health-wellness/power-up.php"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';">Doing nothing? </span><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><i>Not an option</i></span></a>.) Coloroso cites evidence that this effect has been demonstrated within
genocidal regimes. It has also been demonstrated in the <a href="http://www.simplypsychology.org/asch-conformity.html">Asch
Conformity Studies</a> and the <a href="http://www.simplypsychology.org/milgram.html">Milgram
Obedience Studies</a> that people often go along with a group or an
authority figure, even when they know it is wrong, until someone else
speaks up; but once someone else speaks up, others are more likely to
do so as well. There is no inherent difference between the people who
speak up and those who don't. It is just a matter of which choice
each person makes in the moment, to help or not to help. But we can
prepare ourselves for these moments so that we can make better
choices when the time comes. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
My son and I spend a lot of time
<a href="http://buoyboysblog.blogspot.com/2012/06/why-we-play-with-weapons.html">playing
heroes</a> and villains. In our <a href="http://buoyboysblog.blogspot.com/2012/06/gardener-modern-day-imaginary-hero-mom.html">fantasy
lives</a>, we have fought all kinds of people doing harm to others
and we have saved the world, a lot. Fortunately, in real life we
almost certainly will never be in a position to actually save the
world in the epic fashion of our dramatic play, or from a genocidal
regime. But our play is good practice for standing up to people who
are hurting others and helping people who are being bullied or
oppressed. It gives us a chance to tap into that part of ourselves
that is (or at least wants to be) an epic hero and to get comfortable
in that role, making the choices a hero would make and taking the
actions a hero would take. And I like to think that the smaller acts
in our real lives, like stepping in and saying, “Hey, don't push
him!” again and again, even when the people in charge tell you not
to do it, are the kind of things that create a positive difference in
the communities that make up our world.</div>
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4414674978855331365.post-44846316774443110532012-06-14T20:55:00.002-07:002014-03-08T07:56:27.568-08:00Why We Play With Weapons<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
We spend a lot of our time around here
playing heroes and villains. It seems like from the moment my son wakes up to the
moment he falls asleep (and probably continuing into his dreams), he
is fighting a battle between good and evil. Usually he is good.
Sometimes he plays evil. Whichever side he chooses, he fights
fiercely and imaginatively for his goal.<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I know a lot of people these days are
really uncomfortable with play weapons and play violence. It is
certainly understandable if you turn on the news for 2 minutes and
see how many young people are committing violent crimes. Our children
can see so much violence—real violence in the news and in
documentaries, graphic imaginary violence in TV, movies, books, and
games—and it can be disturbing to see them act out the things that
they see. We can limit how much of this our children see, but it seeps into their from all kinds of unexpected places. It is easy for the line to blur between play violence that
serves the purpose of processing challenging new ideas and emotions,
and violent play that is practice for enacting real violence and can
really hurt other children. The PBS series on <a href="http://www.pbs.org/parents/raisingboys/aggression02.html">Understanding
and Raising Boys</a> does a pretty good job of explaining the
difference.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
I've noticed some things that tend to happen when
gun/weapon/fighting play is forbidden. For example, when my son was in
preschool, all weapon and
fighting play was off limits. But because it's not off limits in our
home, he felt free to share with me the games he was learning at
preschool. Pointing hands and fingers like guns was not allowed, so
the kids came up with other ways to symbolize a gun, like crossing
their fingers and holding a hand up. I think with toy weapons, and so
many other things in life, a simple formula applies:</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">natural interest + forbidden mystery = obsession</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
On the days
that I was the classroom helper at preschool, I saw the play that was happening.
And it was quickly evident that the kind of secretive play they were
engaging in while no one was looking happens very differently from
the play that goes on at our house. By allowing play fighting, and
getting involved in it, there are a lot of social skills that my son
has learned that can transfer to other interactions throughout his
life.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Things like:</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
gaining consent to play fight
before you start slicing and shooting other people</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
reaching some agreement about the
ground rules (i.e. no pointing/squirting guns at faces, swords only
hit swords not bodies)</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
making sure that the play isn't
interfering with the peace and/or play of others around you</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
learning to set limits with other
people</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
learning to hear and respect other
people's limits</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
continually adjusting the play and
rules as needed</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
deciding to fight against each
other or together, and renegotiating as circumstances change</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
There is a lot of negotiation,
self-regulation, advocacy and self-advocacy, reading of social cues,
self-expression, listening... really rich social interaction that can
happen when you get involved and offer a little guidance with weapon
play and play fighting.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Getting involved in the play has also given me a chance to take some advice from Lawrence Cohen's <a href="http://www.playfulparenting.com/">Playful Parenting</a>, to influence and rewrite common scripts so that they fit with my values. Whenever we are rescuing a princess, we free her and help her find her weapon, then she helps us rescue the prince and fight the bad guys. When we are at war, we offer opportunities to negotiate a truce or to work together toward a goal. Sometimes we are successful at making peace and sometimes we are not, but either way it's good practice. When we are battling dragons or other creatures, we usually discover that they are attacking because they are protecting their young or their food sources and we are usually able to end those conflicts peacefully. Dealing with conflicts like these is a huge part of life so it makes sense that it would be a huge part of play too.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Plus, I really liked playing these kind
of cops and robbers, heroes and villains, superheroes and
supervillains, kind of games when I was young, and <a href="http://buoyboysblog.blogspot.com/2012/06/gardener-modern-day-imaginary-hero-mom.html">I still do enjoy some good swashbuckling</a>. Neither I, nor any of the neighborhood kids
I played with, have grown up to become violent people. And I'd like
to think we are actually good people who stand up for what we believe
in, <a href="http://buoyboysblog.blogspot.com/2012/06/to-help-or-not-to-help.html">help people when we can</a>, and try to do what is right when we are
faced with difficult situations and decisions. And all that practice
playing good guys and bad guys—I think it helped.</div>
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4414674978855331365.post-18469409868990831802012-06-01T11:38:00.001-07:002014-03-08T07:56:43.988-08:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">The Gardener!<br />A Modern Day [Imaginary] Hero [Mom]</span></b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Since we are always playing heroes and
villains around here—all day every day—and sometimes I want to
slip some other stuff into the mix—like gardening—so that I can
get something done and still have fun, I came up with a new hero
persona this week: <b>The Gardener!</b> I had been avoiding fighting by
claiming to be just a peaceful gardener who needed protection from
these alien bandits who were destroying our gardens that provide food
for our village and the whole world. But the hero was fighting so
continuously that he was getting exhausted; he couldn't keep fighting
on his own to protect the whole village and he was requesting my
help. “You cannot just stand by and hope for protection!” he told
me. “I cannot do this alone. You must fight or your village will be
destroyed!” And so I became The Gardener! My weapon is a garden
shovel powerful enough to shield blasts from the evil bandits and to
knock them out with one blow. It's rumored that it is even more
powerful than money! (More powerful than money? Where on Earth did that come from?)</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
First I tried to negotiate a peace with
these bandits, but they were not interested in peace or reason. They
had one goal only—to destroy. We decided to track down the leader
of these alien bandits, because no matter how many we fought off,
more ships full of alien bandits would come to attack leaving weed
mines all over the place. We tracked them back to a secret laboratory
where they were doing terrifying experiments with our own garden
plants. They were manipulating the plants so that they still looked,
and kind of tasted, like food but were actually poisoned. They were
destroying whole villages at a time by selling people poisoned plants
and taking their money and then watching them eat the poison. We had
to stop them before they poisoned all of our plants this way and
there was no food left on our planet. We searched and searched until
we found the evil genius mad scientist behind it all. He was hard to
find because he often disguised himself as an innocent farmer. But we
searched and searched until we found him. He was big and huge from
eating all of the food from all of the gardens, and he just wanted
more more more for himself. His eyes glowed red with evil. And his
name was Insanto.<br />
<br />
It was a long and difficult battle; there
were many casualties and we destroyed as much of the lab as we could.
But we knew it was not enough to keep the evil Insanto and his evil
bandits from their evil mission to poison all of the plants in the
world. So we made our own diabolical device and snuck it into the laboratory.
The device put a label on all of the plants that came out of their
laboratory so that everyone would know that those plants were
poisoned and no one would buy them. Without people buying their
plants, they would not have the money to continue their experiments
and the evil Insanto would be defeated once and for all!!!!<br />
<br />
…</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
So I got pretty swept up in this play
(apparently my inner 5-year-old is still thriving) and didn't get a
whole lot of gardening done, but we had a lot of fun and I think we accomplished a lot
more than pulling weeds. I love all of this good guy/bad guy play for
so many reasons. I love that my son gets to <a href="http://buoyboysblog.blogspot.com/2012/06/to-help-or-not-to-help.html">practice being aperson who protects the innocent</a>. I love that he influenced me to
stand up and fight when the time came, because you <i>can't</i>
always rely on others to fight your battles, and that he was willing
to continue fighting right there with me. I love that I get to
interject my values into the play, like trying to negotiate peace
before I am willing to fight and casting an unethical company as a
villain. I love that it is active physical play. I love that it is
imaginative and we collaboratively created this storyline together,
building off of each others' ideas. I love the hope and optimism and
sense of efficacy to fight the forces of evil—evil at this age
being clear-cut bad guys who only hurt people and do no good. I love
that this kind of play and these kind of stories leave the door open
to explore the complexities of right and wrong and where they obscure
and overlap and are sometimes difficult to distinguish. I love that
it brings up fond childhood memories of playing much the same way.
And mostly I love that we are having fun together.</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4414674978855331365.post-73337989878277702622011-10-18T23:13:00.000-07:002011-10-19T07:19:33.847-07:00Hey advertisers, boys are not buffoons!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<base target="_blank"></base>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Since I don't really watch television,
I heard about the new <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTs-BmLOGWQ">Dr.
Pepper 10 ad</a> through social media. I am bothered by it
nonetheless, and it exemplifies one of the main reasons that we don't
watch television in our house. (And I should clarify that we watch
plenty of series and movies on DVD or through online streaming
subscriptions that are ad free. I have nothing against video as a
form of media or entertainment. It is the advertisements that I take
issue with.)</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
This new ad has managed to annoy and
offend women by playing on tired old stereotypes that we thought we
had for the most part left behind us. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/10/dr-pepper-ten-no-women-al_n_1003651.html">According
to reports</a>, Jim Trebilcock, executive vice president of marketing
for Dr Pepper, thinks that women won't be offended because we “get
the joke”. While it is does appear that the ad is hyperbolic with
the possible intention of being ironically humorous, some women are offended
enough to start a <a href="http://www.change.org/petitions/dr-pepper-stop-the-sexist-its-not-for-women-ad-campaign">petition
to stop the ad</a>. I think it is safe to say that we get the joke,
but not all of us think it's funny.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
It <a href="http://www.thefrisky.com/2011-10-10/manly-men-will-only-drink-macho-diet-soda-thats-dr-pepper-tens-philosophy/">can
also be argued</a> that the ad is equally offensive to men. The
ultra-macho portrayal of men who fear appearing in any way
un-masculine, and who overcompensate to the point of suppressing all
emotions and indulging only in violence and destruction, is a
condescending attempt to manipulate men's consumption by instilling
insecurities. They even issued “<a href="http://community.feministing.com/2011/10/13/dr-pepper-10-ten-good-reasons-to-never-buy-dr-pepper-again/">10
Man'Ments</a>” that are supposed to advise men on how to be more
appropriately macho. This particular ad has gotten a lot of
attention for being so over-the-top, but the stereotypes it is
reflecting are not new to advertising. <span class="post-footers"> Frances Woolley of </span>Worthwhile Canadian Initiative
has written an <a href="http://worthwhile.typepad.com/worthwhile_canadian_initi/2011/03/dumb-men.html">excellent
article</a> on the topic of how men, and their relationships to
women, are portrayed in ads. She says that, “[<i>these ads</i>] are part
of a larger social trend towards seeing men and women as
fundamentally, irreconcilably different.” This is a trend that is
insulting and detrimental to women and men.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4414674978855331365" name="itxthook01"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4414674978855331365" name="itxthook0w01"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4414674978855331365" name="itxthook11"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=4414674978855331365" name="itxthook1w01"></a>
And it is not just women who are noticing these ads and their negative masculine images. Men are offended too.
AskMen.com put together a list of <a href="http://www.askmen.com/top_10/entertainment_300/327_top_10_list.html">Worst
Male-Bashing Ads</a> with examples that depict men as incompetent,
unsophisticated, subservient, detached, immature, disposable
creatures with primitive drives and mental processes. And the AskMen
article points out that our children are noticing these messages too: </div>
<blockquote>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“You’ve seen him plenty of times on sitcoms; he’s the dumb,
bumbling, idiot dad, husband and boyfriend who appears useless at
everything but bringing <a href="http://www.askmen.com/top_10/entertainment_300/327_top_10_list.html#"><span style="color: darkgreen;"><u><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% transparent;">home</span></span></u></span></a>
a paycheck. The message: Guys are dumb and women have to lead them
around. This, of course, cues the laugh track. Yet a survey from an
organization called Children Now found that two-thirds of kid
respondents described men on <a href="http://www.askmen.com/top_10/entertainment_300/327_top_10_list.html#"><span style="color: darkgreen;"><u><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background: none repeat scroll 0% 0% transparent;">TV</span></span></u></span></a>
as angry, while respondents from another group’s survey said men
were portrayed as corrupt on TV by a 17 to 1 margin. Clearly, this is
no laughing matter.” </div>
</blockquote>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
These
stereotypes seem archaic and outdated but they are still prevalent in advertising and media
today. The group Media Awareness Network has categorized some of the <a href="http://www.media-awareness.ca/english/issues/stereotyping/men_and_masculinity/masculinity_stereotypes.cfm">Common
Stereotypes of Men in Media</a>: the joker, the jock, the strong
silent type, the big shot, the action hero, the buffoon. These stereotypes all send a message that there are limited rigid roles that boys and men can fit into and that anything different is somehow less than manly.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
So, what messages would we like to see
in the media about masculinity? What would we like our children to be seeing about how men and women relate to each other?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b>Here is what I would like to see replace the common male stereotypes:</b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
The Joker?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-style: normal;">You
can joke with us. We love your sense of humor as much as we love your
serious side. And we love that you have the emotional intelligence
and sensitivity to know when, where, and how to joke appropriately.</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Jock?</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-style: normal;">You
can be an athlete. We love that you have found something that you are
passionate about and talented at. We admire your kinesthetic
intelligence, your hard work, and that you know how to handle the
victory and defeat of competitions with grace.</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Strong Silent Type?</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-style: normal;">You
can be a leader. We love your willingness to take responsibility and make
difficult decisions. And we are here to support you and talk through
these decisions, because we know how emotionally straining they can
be. We also love that we can work in partnership, and alternate
taking the lead.</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Big Shot?</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-style: normal;">You
can have a successful career, and you can define that as whatever
brings you a sense of fulfillment. Sometimes career will be your
first priority, sometimes it will be lower on the list. We can work
together to help each other balance our careers with all of the other important aspects of our lives.</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Action Hero?</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-style: normal;">You
can be a hero in many different ways. Every time you speak up for
what is right, act on a sense that something is unjust, help someone
in need, do something kind just to do it, set an example of being
true to who you are, and countless other ways, you are acting
heroically strong and courageous.</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-style: normal;">The
Buffoon?</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i><span style="font-style: normal;">You
can make mistakes. You can need help with things. You can count on
us. These things do not mean that you are not a smart, independent,
reliable, caring, competent person. We will not mock you for being
human and relying on other humans for assistance at times. We will
rely on you too, and appreciate you for all that you are.</span></i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<b><i><span style="font-style: normal;">What
kind of roles would you like to see boys and men fill in media? Are
there any ads, shows, movies, or other media you enjoy that send positive messages about gender roles and relations? Or is there media that makes you feel good about who you are and the roles you live?</span></i></b></div>
</div>
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4414674978855331365.post-88747607992008907052011-10-14T10:20:00.000-07:002011-10-14T10:20:08.285-07:00Friday ShoutI wanted to give a Friday Shout out to Hyacinth at Undercover Mother. A blog post she wrote on Monday <a href="http://www.undercovermother.net/2011/10/raising-boys-all-wrong.html">here</a> popped on my Google Alerts (keywords: raising boys) and I'm so glad it did.<br />
<br />
Her post about raising boys all wrong strikes a chord in me right now. My boys are almost three and definitely overrun me on a daily basis. Since their sleep is not consistent or even present at times, I'm constantly tired and have a hard time maintaining a respect for their growing needs. I often find myself yelling at them and it's crushing to see their faces fall, yet I can't stop. I can't meet my own needs for sleep or even a shower so I feel I am failing at meeting theirs. Top it off by my challenges in finding and connecting with other moms (IRL) who strive to support and respect their children and I just end up feeling alone and frustrated. I should say I have a great community of supportive moms online but we all know it's nice to see a friendly face now and again.<br />
<br />
So what I'm getting at is that, at a time when I'm feeling the least receptive to influence, Hyacinth's post serves as an important reminder to me to honor my boys' innate boyness and the crazy, needy, loud, quiet, jumping love they can't wait to smother all over me. They need me in ways I learn anew every day and if I am to be really present and meet those needs, I should first just listen. Not try to change their clothes or do the dishes or pack the car, just listen. They'll tell me in one of a dozen different ways what they need and if I'm really listening, I'll hear it louder every day and realize how easy it can be to be give them what they need to be the best boys - and men - they can be.<br />
<br />
Another note about Hyacinth that I think is important to mention; her relationship with God that infuses her writing with such a brilliant perspective on raising children. This isn't the traditional strict, children-should-be-seen-and-not-heard perspective. It's refreshing and personal and new, at least to me. Check it out. I'll keep reading her blogs for inspiration and as a reminder that even if I'm feeling alone as a SAHM, I'm not really by myself.Laura Pauley Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16137819003130004465noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4414674978855331365.post-33960927527574731852011-09-26T17:15:00.000-07:002014-03-08T14:04:48.510-08:00Bedtime Battles...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">...sword battles that is.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
It was evident from very early on that
this little boy was not going to be lulled and sung to sleep, the way
that I had imagined all children could be. Instead he likes to laugh
himself to sleep; usually while running, rolling, dancing, jumping,
and bouncing (sometimes literally) off the walls.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
And I have come to love this about
bedtime with my boy.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
When I decided to become a parent,
one of the things that I really wanted to establish was a pleasant
bedtime routine. I didn't want to have the fight every night that so
many parents talk about, where they feel like their children are
intentionally trying to derail their evenings just to be difficult
and the children can't feel any better about their parents'
intentions. So I read all kinds of books and articles about kids and sleep and
bedtime rituals and routines. I thought I had all of the best ideas
about how to create a peaceful, loving, calm bedtime routine.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Then my baby was born.<br />
<a name='more'></a>He has had a
playful spirit from the start (from in utero, really) and none of the
normally suggested bedtime rituals seemed to induce sleep.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
There was no soothing warm bath—he thought
it was wildly amusing to splash and giggle.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
There was no reading bedtime
stories—the book was a toy, often a drum or a projectile.<br />
There was no sleepy snuggle blanket—he used that for peekaboo.<br />
There was no calming lullaby—he made
faces and noises and found every word hilarious.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
There was no amount of cuddling and
rocking that would calm the urge to play at bedtime—he wanted to
laugh!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
None of these things created the
sedating effect that the experts had me believing they would. It's
not that he doesn't love all of these as comforting and quiet
activities, just not at bedtime.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Nowhere did I find an expert who would
condone jumping on the bed, wrestling, tickling, sword-fighting,
splashing, or any form of physical, active, energetic play at
bedtime. But why not? Sure, not everyone can fall asleep shortly after a
wild romp, but there must be others who need this one last hurrah
before they can wind down for the night. It started to seem like the advice given
by experts about bedtime was really more about parents' convenience
than what children really need.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
When I thought about what I really
wanted, it wasn't so much that bedtime be calm and peaceful but for
bedtime to be a bonding time that was free of conflict. What he
wanted was some active physical play with his parent/s at the end of
the day. I realized that if I could let go of my notion of how
bedtime was supposed to happen, we could both get what we wanted!</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
This is bedtime at our house: it's
loud; it's wild; it's fun; it's bonding; it's exhausting; I love it.</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4414674978855331365.post-24623736553893248752011-09-24T15:20:00.000-07:002011-09-26T21:27:09.732-07:00The Future of Feminism?, Part 2<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Gloria Steinem brought up a great point
about how we haven't seen the same expansion in men's roles as we
have in women's roles since the start of the feminist movement, and
the importance of humanizing both masculine and feminine roles. <a href="http://buoyboysblog.blogspot.com/2011/08/future-of-feminism.html">We discussed this</a>
as it applies to raising our boys in a more humanized way than
'raising men' to fulfill a limited and limiting role.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
In a recent article, <i><a href="http://www.youthrights.org/2011/09/13/youth-rights-is-a-feminist-issue/">Youth Rights Is a Feminist Issue</a></i> posted on the National Youth Rights Association (<a href="http://www.youthrights.org/">NYRA</a>) website,
Kathleen Nicole O'Neal makes a call for a much needed feminist focus
on youth. She discusses many examples of issues related to youth rights, and particularly the rights of young women, that would further the goal of feminism. While I disagree with her view that the male perspective
continues to be the default when youth issues are discussed, I do
agree that we cannot ignore the gender-specific issues that affect
young people. And I wholeheartedly agree with these words:</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
<blockquote>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“When feminists wonder in amazement
where young women who are abused by romantic partners get the idea
that coercion, violence, and controlling behavior are signs of love
and concern the obvious answer should be 'their parents and
teachers'...”</div>
</blockquote>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
And I would add that this example could
be just as easily applied to the role that the abusive partners take
on in relationships. The same systems have taught them the tools of
coercion, control and violence rather than the relational skills of
trust, understanding, and cooperation.<br />
<br />
As the parent of a small child, a resource that has helped me immensely in changing the nature of family dynamics is the book <i><a href="http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/store/product_info.php?products_id=48">Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids</a></i>
by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson. Unlike much of the advice offered to
parents that describes how to establish and maintain your power over children by manipulating and
coercing more effectively, this book advises you in how to build
relationships and communication skills based on respect, trust, empathy,
understanding, compassion, and cooperation. It describes relational and
communication skills that apply to all relationships, not just the
parent/child relationship.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
From the conclussion of <i><a href="http://www.youthrights.org/2011/09/13/youth-rights-is-a-feminist-issue/">Youth Rights Is a Feminist Issue</a>:</i></div>
<blockquote>
“... I call on all feminists to
interrogate their own ageism, to place youth rights (as opposed to
paternalistic concerns about youth welfare) at the center of their
organizing, and to fight for young women to have the freedom they so
passionately seek for themselves. Youth rights is not only a feminist
issue – it is <i>the </i>most important and most neglected
feminist issue of twenty-first century America. Until contemporary
feminists realize that the subjugation of our young sisters and
brothers in their homes and schools is the vanguard issue of civil
and human rights in the United States they are not living up to the
legacy of their foremothers and forefathers. Past generations of
feminists have helped to topple or reform some of the most oppressive
prejudices and institutions in human history while managing to leave
the institution of the legal and social status of minors nearly
untouched. It’s time to create a truly intersectional feminism
where liberty, equality, and justice is truly a birthright and not
something earned by living long enough to become an 'adult.'” </blockquote>
<br />
O'Neal defines brilliantly the need to focus on youth rights as we continue in our quest for equality. Not only do we need to humanize the
masculine role, we need to humanize the roles of youth. The family and
school structures that deny youth the equality and respect that we
have been fighting for as women, only perpetuate the injustices we
have been fighting against.<br />
<br />
We still have some work to do toward equality, and we have some new directions to focus our efforts. One lesson we can learn from the current
state of men and women is that freeing one group from societally
imposed limitations does not automatically free their counterparts.
At the same time that we are working toward lifting the limitations on women, we also need to work on breaking down the limitations on men; and as we work for improvements in youth rights, we need to
give intentional effort to liberating parents from being pressured to
fill the role of enforcer of societally imposed age and gender limitations so that
they can experience the richness of having full and genuine
relationships with children.
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4414674978855331365.post-77315601409723599052011-09-07T15:14:00.000-07:002011-09-26T21:28:08.843-07:00THAT Parent<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
This CNN article, <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2011/09/06/living/teachers-want-to-tell-parents/index.html">What teachers really want to tell parents</a>, <br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
is a wonderful example of why I will always be <i><b>THAT</b></i> parent. You know the type, the one who:</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="color: black;">“<i>If we give you advice, don't fight it. “</i></span></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
always fights advice from people who think they know the child I love and live with better than I do , especially when that advice does not ring true to my experience, observation, or way of living.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<i>Take it, and digest it in the same way you would consider advice from a doctor or lawyer. “</i></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
doesn't just automatically trust professionals to know what is best for my family.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<i>I have become used to some parents who just don't want to hear anything negative about their child ...”</i></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
gives her child the benefit of the doubt no matter how bad the situation looks.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
<a name='more'></a>“<i>At times when I tell parents that their child has been a behavior problem, I can almost see the hairs rise on their backs.”</i></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
always assumes that an undesirable behavior is an expression of my child being overwhelmed, suffering an unmet need, feeling powerless or in some other way overly stressed rather than a sign of a “behavior problem”.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<i>They are ready to fight and defend their child, and it is exhausting.”</i></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
always defends her child's rights even when he made mistakes, because even people who make mistakes deserve fair treatment. Yes, it often takes more effort to be fair.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<i>One of my biggest pet peeves is when I tell a mom something her son did and she turns, looks at him and asks, 'Is that true?'“</i></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
always asks for and genuinely listens to her child's side of a story.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<i>Well, of course it's true. I just told you. And please don't ask whether a classmate can confirm what happened or whether another teacher might have been present.”</i></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
always wants to know details of what is happening in the places where my child's care and education are entrusted to others, even if the details are uncomfortable for some to have exposed.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<i>It only demeans teachers and weakens the partnership between teacher and parent.”</i></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
always values honesty over pride, and my relationship with my child over any other partnership.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<i>I was talking with a parent and her son about his summer reading assignments. He told me he hadn't started, and I let him know I was extremely disappointed because school starts in two weeks.</i></div>
<i>His mother chimed in and told me that it had been a horrible summer for them because of family issues they'd been through in July. I said I was so sorry, but I couldn't help but point out that the assignments were given in May. “</i><br />
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
always excuses and adapts expectations based on circumstances--one of the most useful skills I can model for my child is to be adaptable because life is always changing.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<i>... stop making excuses for why they aren't succeeding.”</i></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
is always at least equally concerned about the process and the experience as the results.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
always has a flexible definition of success that weighs my child's happiness far more heavily than anyone else's metrics.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<i>And parents, you know, it's OK for your child to get in trouble sometimes. It builds character and teaches life lessons. As teachers, we are vexed by those parents who stand in the way of those lessons; ... “</i></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
always stands in the way of arbitrary “consequences” imposed by others for the sake of “building character” and teaching “life lessons”; there are far more effective ways of learning.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<i>...we call them helicopter parents because they want to swoop in and save their child every time something goes wrong.”</i></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
always rescues my child from unfair situations from which he has no power to extract himself.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
appreciates a good metaphor but does not appreciate name-calling.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<i>This one may be hard to accept, but you shouldn't assume that because your child makes straight A's that he/she is getting a good education. The truth is, a lot of times it's the bad teachers who give the easiest grades, because they know by giving good grades everyone will leave them alone. Parents will say, 'My child has a great teacher! He made all A's this year!'</i></div>
<i>Wow. Come on now. In all honesty, it's usually the best teachers who are giving the lowest grades, because they are raising expectations.”</i><br />
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
never rejects favorable evaluations of my child as less valuable than criticisms, and doesn't value people who offer criticisms more highly than those who offer appreciation.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<i>Before you challenge those low grades you feel the teacher has 'given' your child, you might need to realize your child 'earned' those grades and that the teacher you are complaining about is actually the one that is providing the best education.”</i></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
never accepts an evaluation by someone else as more valuable than a child's own evaluation of his/her effort, results, learning and experience.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“And please, be a partner instead of a prosecutor. ”</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
never partners with a person who is making accusations and is unwilling to accept that s/he could be mistaken (see earlier statement, “<i>Well, of course it's true. I just told you.”</i>).</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<i>... never talk negatively about a teacher in front of your child.”</i></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
always talks honestly about issues my child is having with someone and what I am doing, and what he can do, and what we can do together to help resolve the issues.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<i>If he knows you don't respect her, he won't either, and that will lead to a whole host of new problems.“</i></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
never hides concerns about people from my child, and NEVER expects my child to trust someone that I do not trust myself.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<i>We just ask -- and beg of you -- to trust us, support us and work with the system, not against it.”</i></div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
always fights to improve a system that is not providing what our family needs, and fights against a system that refuses to change.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<i>Lift us up and make us feel appreciated, and we will work even harder to give your child the best education possible.</i></div>
<i>That's a teacher's promise, from me to you.”</i><br />
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
does not need or believe your promises and would trust you a lot more if you showed me and my child some understanding, empathy, and respect.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
Of course my preference would always be to have a partnership rather than an adversarial relationship with a teacher. But the attitude presented in this article only perpetuates the kind of negativity the author is complaining about. I resent the notion that teachers should be given preferential treatment over one's own children and that parents need to side with teachers against their children.<br />
Have you ever been <i><b>THAT</b></i> parent, who stood up for your child? I'd love to hear about it!</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4414674978855331365.post-68887048101082230082011-08-13T12:13:00.000-07:002011-12-01T14:58:58.390-08:00The Future of Feminism?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">There is an excellent interview with <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marianne-schnall/interview-gloria-steine_b_924584.html">Gloria Steinhem on the future of Feminism</a> in yesterday's Huff Post. Whatever you think about GS or feminism (I think both are rad), she makes an excellent point that the future of feminism depends on the humanization of the traditional masculine and feminine roles. She goes on to say that it is these</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif; text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">'gender roles that are the beginning of a false human hierarchy and normalize race, class and other systems of domination to come -- even "Man's" dominion over nature. The deepest change begins with men raising children as much as women do and women being equal actors in the world outside the home. There are many ways of supporting that, from something as simple as paid sick leave and flexible work hours to attributing an economic value to all care-giving, and making that amount tax deductible. Until the masculine role is humanized, women will tend to be much better at solving dangerous conflicts. </span><span style="font-size: small;">That's already happened in Ireland and Liberia, and is beginning in North and South Korea.'</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span"><br />
</span><br />
We've talked about ways we can raise our boys to help them be the best possible version of themselves as human beings that are male, rather than 'raising men'. Indoctrinating young children with failed ideals will only produce more of the same failures in our culture and in our world. Raising human beings is a much more complex and delicate operation that requires our full attention and all of our relationship skills. Learning and knowing our children, both male and female, and giving them the gift of our love and attention, is a good start. Shedding many of the failed 'parenting' techniques like hitting and isolating, are great next steps. Developing and maintaining a connection with our kids and meeting their needs are ways we can keep the momentum going towards buoying our boys, girls - and humanity - to meet the challenges ahead.</span></div>
</div>Laura Pauley Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16137819003130004465noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4414674978855331365.post-37758290234820540972011-07-27T08:45:00.001-07:002014-03-08T14:05:16.406-08:00Playing With Dolls<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I have never enjoyed playing with dolls—not barbies with my best friend, not babies with the girl down the street, not army guys with my brother, and now I am having a really hard time playing robots with my son. They are all just dolls to me, and they are all completely boring.<br />
<br />
I would agree about all of the benefits I have heard can be gained from
playing with dolls. It is a great opportunity to develop language
skills, practice dialogue, enact various roles that you cannot fill in
your real life, socialize with others in roles they normally don't fill,
be imaginative and creative, practice real life skills, process
difficult situations and experiences, exert complete control over a
setting and the characters in it, and just have fun. But personally, I
would rather act things out with my own body than with a figure.
Nevertheless, I love imaginative play and my son is really into playing
robots right now. There are good guys & gals and bad guys & gals
and epic sagas of the ongoing struggle between the forces of good and
evil. This is great stuff... in theory. In practice though, it still
feels like a chore.</div>
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But today the value of this type of play really sunk in for me. While rehashing a part of the LEGO: Hero Factory movie, a really empowering statement was reinforced. There is a point in the movie when the Hero Team is getting discouraged and the team leader says to them “Always remember who you really are.” And they eagerly reply, “Heroes to the core!”. After repeating this exchange several times, I made my robot say the leader's words to my son. His reply, to my delight, was “<i>ME</i> to the core!”. Now that is a scenario I don't mind repeating ad nauseum. If playing with dolls can help reinforce the importance of staying true to yourself, especially in the midst of difficult times, I can enjoy that.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4414674978855331365.post-43656825485369049292011-07-18T13:52:00.000-07:002014-03-08T07:58:02.601-08:00Another Pink vs. Blue Debate: Does It Really Matter Anymore?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
This recent <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/US/gender-roles-young-boys-pink-blue/story?id=14080844">ABCNEWS article</a> on gender roles and the impact of color choices for young boys has us yet again focus on the tired debate of whether boys can wear pink. In fact, they do wear <a href="http://www.ralphlauren.com/product/index.jsp?productId=11398374&cp=1760783.11653231&ab=ln_children_cs5_summerpolosforboys&parentPage=family">light pink</a>, <a href="http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=52820&vid=1&pid=810387&scid=810387042">preppy pink</a> and <a href="http://www.jcrew.com/mens_category/polostees/piquepolos/PRDOVR~82319/82319.jsp">faded berry</a>. They wear a lot of pink in the spring and summer, in fact. Does this challenge their manliness or is it just a fashion choice? What about the boy in the article shown wearing light pink toe nail polish and pink plastic toy heels? Still ok?<br />
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Ponder <a href="http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r279/handsthatsetmefree/annie-hall.jpg">Diane Keaton in Annie Hall</a> in her gender-bending ensembles and what they say about women. Do men who dress in feminine colors say the same about themselves or is there a different message? Are we afraid it's <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cross-dressing">this message</a>?<br />
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What are your thoughts about boys wearing pink when it's not in the form of a polo shirt?<br />
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Laura Pauley Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16137819003130004465noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4414674978855331365.post-30318638207884971502011-07-12T17:59:00.000-07:002011-07-12T17:59:15.720-07:00What Do You Love About Boys?No, it's not a title to an 80's pop hit. It's a serious question! What do you love about the boys in your life? It could be the grown men or the tiny babies, but we want to hear what makes your heart pitter-patter when you see your guy(s). It's important to celebrate what we like about the men in our lives as well, because it can be these qualities that we strive to instill in our little ones.<br />
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</div><div>I have twin two-year-old boys and they're just starting to talk. I love hearing their voices express their opinions, likes and dislikes, wants and needs. I love hearing them get excited about seeing a lizard on the window (we live in Texas), an ant on the ground or the truck on the road. I love their great big smiles and even their crocodile tears. I love how they hug their stuffed bunnies and how much they love their Grandpa. I love watching them play and I love to play with them. I'm just in love with them right now, even on days like today when they skipped their nap and performed Armageddon, The Musical, at dinner.<br />
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I must confess here that I think I was a little secretly disappointed when I learned I was having boys. I grew up being fed the 'girls rock' diet and just knew I would be the best girl mom ever. I would support and encourage her, empower and respect her; all the things she would need to succeed in this world. Then, when these guys were born, it all changed. I would now do every one of these things for my boys but honestly - have you ever tried googling, 'empower boys'? All you get is page after page of links for empowering underprivileged boys. What about all boys? Do they need to start with a deficit before we recognize their worth? Isn't it time we give them a place, right next to girls? I digress.<br />
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What do you love about boys? Do tell!</div>Laura Pauley Richhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16137819003130004465noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4414674978855331365.post-4005610299261525192011-07-12T15:10:00.000-07:002011-10-18T15:20:44.259-07:00The Purpose Of This Blog<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i>To keep afloat or aloft.</i></div>
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<i>To maintain at a high level; support.</i></div>
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<i>To hearten or inspire; uplift.</i></div>
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<b>Why this blog?</b></div>
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This is a place for us to explore, discover, discuss, and create the resources, ideas, and practices that boys need to thrive, so that we may better support them in being resilient, healthy, empowered boys who grow into compassionate, well-adjusted, and confident men.</div>
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<b>Don't boys already have 'male privilege'?</b></div>
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There is an abundance of programs, products, resources, media, clubs, etc. sending the message that girls can do anything they set their minds to, girls are powerful, girls are empowered, girls are divine, girls are competent, successful, creative, beautiful, and valuable. The success of any of these efforts is certainly open for debate. However, they are there for girls and not for boys. We have been operating with the assumption that boys are already receiving this message because of the legacy of traditional gender roles in our society. But are they still getting this message? If all they are getting is the power and value of girls, what does that teach them about themselves? What messages would we like for them to be getting?</div>
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<b>What do boys need?</b><br />
What we don't want to do is go backwards. Maybe it was simpler when roles were more clearly defined and were never questioned. But that left a lot of marginalized and unhappy people who were unable to conform. Instead, we want to forge a new way forward building on the progress that we have made, learning from oversights and failures, and finding our way to an embracing, accepting, inclusive future.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1